i feel vulnerable..

One of the things that keep me up waking in a middle of the night is thinking,what am i supposed to do? i couldnt stop thinking bout it. a lot has happened lately,and one thing for sure,i know you are not here.

For many reasons in the world,i think you are the only person i could trust. You are the only person i could ever be honest with. I can share my lil secrets with you,i can share my toughts with you. And when you were first gone,i think i could handle it. i think i was strong enough to survive. I got my friends, i got your family behind my back,its just that i didnt sure i got my family behind mine. now you are gone,things were different. I have a hard time sleeping. I could find myself in a middle of the nights, just thinking about what to do, and not knowing who to share with is sure a pain in the ass. But i sure,i could handle it. right? I supposed to be strong.

And so many nights i find myself wanted to cry. i tried to stop it,but somehow it couldnt stop flowing. I found myself trying to keep it from falling apart,but it was so hard. I dont know what to do. Tears is the only way i could think of. My body felt numb. Am i weak?

Life is sure hard when you dont know what coming for you. And this morning,some one who i’ve known for many years now,telling me that i was hard to figure out,so as to say. Am i that mysterious for you? or the fact that i dont know how to spill my true feeling for my own friend makes them feels that way. I know that its not a big deal,but somehow it got me thinking about how i’ve acted lately. I was worse than ever. I blank at my classes,i didnt do my homework,i couldnt figure out what the hell that teachers was talking, and i really feel like im an idiot. I’m a mess. Or let me correct it. i’m a mess without you.

This few weeks,i’ve been thinking a lot. Not a bout how i should stop you from going away,but about my own future. My academic assistant told me that life about putting love in what you do,not doing something you love. How true could it be? Putting love in something i do is something i really should consider because right now,i dont know what the hell am i doing. I suck at class. I know that you think it isnt necessarily true but its what i think. I tried to find love so that i could put it somewhere it belong but guess what? It rans away when you were gone.

You know something? I always dreams that when i was a little,i wanted to do something that i love. Something that i have no regret whatsoever. I wanted to do something that is fun for me,even though it doesnt necessarily fun for others to see. I wanted to be involve in what i do,not just doing for the sake of getting an A. I imagine of having a smile while i was doing my work. Although it was tough,but hey,at least i enjoyed every single moment of it.

I am quite a confident girl. Not a lady yet i think. But mostly,a teen. And i would like to see my dreams come true. Nobody doesnt,does they? But somehow,having my confidence ripped off me kindda make me feel weak. And i hate being weak. I hate it so much that i pretend to be strong. But what i really need is you. i just need someone to hear my thoughts,someone i could share my feelings with. I really think that person is you.

gosh,so much happened i couldnt even spill it out. Things might be gets a lil awkward when you get back,but for now,please remember me in every steps of the way. Cause i do.