Dosa

who would've guess that I've won? I didn't. 

bila Fixi announce yang diorang akan buat contest untuk peraduan buku Dosa karya Nuril Basri, aku rasa macam nak join. Macam setiap novel yang Fixi publish sebelum ni, aku sentiasa rasa nak mencuba untuk menulis. Tapi ilham tak pernah datang. It was my first time sending anything to Fixi, plus ramai gila orang yang hantar cerpen untuk bertanding. 32 orang kot! haha you can read it if you want.

********************************

#1

Penulis: Azyan Azilah

Aku tahu. Aku tahu ini bukan norma biasa. Aku faham yang masyarakat tak pernah mengerti apa yang aku lakukan. Aku tak memaksa sesiapa untuk terlibat dalam kancah ini. Mereka tidak faham. Ini bukan tentang nafsu semata. Ini tentang kepercayaan. Tanpa kepercayaan yang kuat,perkara sebegini takkan dapat dilakukan. Tanpa rasa percaya pada partner mereka, segala tindak tanduk dianggap meluah rasa benci di dada.

 

Mereka tidak faham. Mereka tak akan faham. Mereka bertanya, apa yang aku dapat?

Ianya seperti ectasy bila aku mendengar erangan kesakitan yang dia jeritkan. Seperti seolah-olah aku disambar halilintar. Mengasyikkan. Membuatkan aku high. Pabila dia menjerit,membuatkan aku ingin memukulnya lagi. Biarkan bontot itu merah dengan pukulan tapak tangan ku. Biarkan dia berbekas. Aku mahu ia berbekas. Merah seperti saga pabila segala darah berkumpul di kawasan itu. Merah seperti mukanya yang menahan malu.

Aku mahu dia rasa malu. Aku mahu dia rasa seperti dirinya tidak berguna. Seperti sekeping daging yang busuk. Cabut semua ilmu,tarik segala pangkat dan harta,apa yang kau tinggal? Hanya seketul daging bernyawa. Daging yang tidak berguna. Kau kata yang dirimu sempurna,sedangkan hatimu penuh dengan kebencian. Kau senyum sedangkan kau merasa jelik dengan perangai manusia. Kononnya kau memandang sesuatu dengan positif. Huh! Itu semua tipu! Aku tahu kau benci dengan segalanya. Orang memandang kau tinggi padahal kau sebenarnya hina! Kau sepatutnya malu dengan dirimu! Manusia yang berpura-pura,memakai topeng malaikat sedangkan kau syaitan.

Menangis!

Menangis lagi kerana kau seharusnya benci diri kau. Aku mahu kau menjerit dalam kesakitanmu itu, menangis dalam teriakan mu,supaya kau sedar yang tanpa semua itu kau manusia hina. 

Jeritlah! Jerit sekuat hatimu!

Biar satu dunia tahu betapa hina nya diri mu. Betapa kau rasa jijik dengan tubuhmu.

Menangis lagi. Menangis sepuas hatimu.

Dan ketahuilah, disebalik hinaan mu itu, aku tetap menyayangimu.

Aku tahu. Aku tahu ini bukan norma biasa. Aku tahu aku berdosa. Ini bukan tentang nafsu semata. Ini tentang satu ikatan, tentang rasa kasih dan cinta kita berdua.

*****************************************************

 and here's the judge (Nami, owner of Teh Tarik Gelas Besar and author of novel Bayang, co-author Kitab Terfaktab dan penulis the ever famous novel Awek Chuck Taylor)

 Saya memilih pemenang tempat pertama kerana saya terkesan dengan nilai-nilai existentialism yang ada dalam karangan tersebut. Tanpa ilmu, pangkat dan harta, manusia hanya seperti seketul daging busuk. Ia tidak memiliki apa-apa makna - bila manusia tidak meletakkan makna. Tapi apakah makna ilmu, pangkat dan harta tersebut? Itu saya fikirkan bila membaca karangan ini. Bagi saya, karangan ini berceritakan tentang seks yang mungkin menceritakan tentang 'doogie style'. Mungkin anal, mungkin. Tetapi hubungan seksual jenis ini sebenarnya bukanlah tabu bagi saya - apa yang saya terkesankan ialah nilai-nilai existentialism yang cuba dibangkitkan dalam karangan ini.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..............doggie style? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Cerpen aku ni bukanlah mengenai nafsu seks semata2. Tapi aku cuba explore konsep sadist dan masochist. Kalau tengok dalam Wiki 

the terms sadism and masochism describe a personality type characterized by the actor or actress deriving pleasure and gratification from inflicting physical pain and humiliation (sadism) and the sacred need of the expression of judgement, punishment, and from suffering pain and humiliation upon the self (masochism)

Sadist,seorang yg suka melihat penyeksaan dan penderitaan orang lain. Sebab tu dia cuba memukul pasangan nya dan mendera mental dengan melontarkan kata-kata hina. Tapi bukanlah bermakna dia ni seorang yg kejam. Dia syg kan partner nya tapi dengan cara ini,melihatkan kasih syg dia. Itu yg dia cuba sampaikan. 

Masochists tend to be very specific about the types of pain they enjoy, preferring some and disliking others. Many behaviors such as spanking, tickling and love-bites contain elements of sado-masochism. Even if both parties legally consent to such acts this may not be accepted as a defense against criminal charges

Masochist pula,loves pain,yg dimana dia menahan cacian dari S,dan percaya yang S hanya cuba memahami diri dia,dan walau sebesar mana dosa dia,S menerima dia seadanya. Tanpa kepercayaan.hubungan macam ni takkan berjaya.

Usually these kind of thing selalu ada dalam partner pasangan hidup masing-masing. That's why aku boleh faham la kalau orang nak relatekan dengan seks. Tapi, tak semestinya setiap hubungan itu ada kaitan dengan seks kan. It's about trust. Kalau kau tak percayakan partner kau, macam mana kau nak bagi kebenaran kat dia untuk pukul kau & etc? haha 

Sounds ecchi but yeah these kind of thing wujud la. That's why ada yang keluar surat khabar husband masukkan terung kat ehem ehem bini dia la, whatever shit. Masyarakat Asia masih lagi memandang taboo mende2 macam ni, that's why the act of BDSM ni agak close. Seriously, i don't think most of us even know about this right? But in Japan, diorang memang agak open dan faham apa tu S&M. One question remains. How do I know bout S&M? 

Well, to quote The Malaysian Reader, "I read books because YOU don't want to!" 

pedas kan? haha aku pun terasa sikit. LOL btw, siapa yang rasa nak explore buku-buku novel mana yang best (especially english novels), dan asyik tanya aku mana satu buku yang okey everytime pergi kedai buku sebab nak beli buku baru pastu taknak pulak tu beli buku yang aku recommend, korang boleh pergi kat The Malaysian Reader ni sebab dia BANYAK GILA baca buku dan dia akan review setiap buku yang dia baca. So maybe korang akan jumpa buku-buku yang interesting gak la. Then buat la account GoodReads.com pastu kita boleh share buku sama-sama! :D

 p/s : hasil menang cerpen, dapat buku free dari Fixi! yay! 

bookfessions

usually reading wins

I just discovered Bookfessions. hah!

Bunohan

I don’t think I am eligible to critique something that I don’t understand. However, from my humble point-of-view, it was an OK movie. The cinematography, the scenery, every character in those story, everything comes together in the end. Although many sighed and snickered as they came out of the cinema, Bunohan does left an impression on me, on how greedy can brings out the worst in anyone. My presumption was wrong unfortunately. I did think Bunohan as an action movie, which I shouldn’t, because it isn’t. 

I prefer to think of it as a way to bring out something new in Malay cinematography, rather than stupid jokes and ghost stories. Songlap is a good example of that. I regret it so much that I didn’t able to at least go to the cinema and try to contribute something to an awesome movie like Songlap, however insignificant my contribution will be. Back to Bunohan. The movie will be purely in Kelatanese, and somehow in the middle of the movie, everyone sitting next to me starting to speak in Kelantanese. 

All I'm trying to say it Bunohan is a good intention of bringing theatrical drama into Malay cinema. But will it work? I’ll leave that to you. Go and watch to find out. 

p/s : that scruffy image of Faizal Hussein is really manly. I think I might fell in love with him. :) 

I never asked for a perfect man, nor have I asked you to be perfect. All I want is someone who can stand up for himself and be the man he has always been.

Anonymous

hi

haven't heard from you for a long time.
how are you?

obsession & life

Everybody that knows me knew that I'm super crazy and obsessed with manga. If you didn't know what is manga, then maybe you're reading the wrong blog. Go find it out in wikipedia. Well recently I'm in a holiday, still am but somehow not feeling it, so I wipe off some dust and clean my book shelf. I was so proud of my collections that I just had to show it (and bragging about it a little) to you guys. hey I almost perfected my Hajime Kindaichi collections. That is something that is worth celebrating for right? Right? *okey forget it*

So my primary bookshelf is this black one. My mother used to hates it when I bought comic books, and she will throw it away once she saw it. So I secretly bought it and put it in boxes. But boxes will never be enough. My mom knew bout this so she decided to buy me this super awesome bookshelf. Yeah my mom is awesome that way.

And so i stuffed the first shelf with novels, FIXI books and Death Note.

The second and third with shoujo from Gempakstarz. 

I've always bought them in highschool and when I'm at Changlun 

but now i'm just too shy to buy this.

The second bookshelf is being hung high at my bedroom wall. My brother initially wanted to throw away these used cabinet but my dad insisted it still can be used as my bookshelf.

 

my mother throw away some on my Conan collections. 

I was so devastated I never bought new ones. 

Plus I've started to collect One Piece, Bakuman and 

Kimi No Todoke so I don't mind much.

 

THIS. THIS. THIS. can I even say anything to an awesome collection like this? From the top, Sekolah Detective Q, then Penyiasat Remaja Hajime Kindaichi, then Kes Hajime Kindaichi, Cabaran Hajime Kindaichi, and the latest was single case file of Hajime Kindaichi. He's so popular and awesome, the author just had to publish his case more and more. No complaints there.

And after all of them being nicely put I have no more space left. Plus I just bought Gensomaden Saiyuki at The Big Bad Wolf recently I didn't know where to put my next manga. I can't wait to have my own house and build small library so that I can put all of my books, novels and mangas there. Plus i love to buy magazines too so I honestly need a bigger shelf than this. What i show you does not include my collections of magazines and novels. So sister, get married fast so I can have my room all by myself! haha okey kejam. (^^,)

17 days too late

hey mister.

I know I'm 17 days too late, but
Happy Belated Birthday to you.
Hope you can get the love you've always dream of.
I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to say this to you. 









and lately, my mp3 keeps on repeating "Never Bloom Again by The Perishers". Weird. Made me think about you more and more. I'm sorry. Again.

If i love to drink coffee, does that make me an adrenaline junkie?

I just had to go crazy last Friday. I spend so much on books at The Wolf Sale. That officially made me broke.  But still, I was satisfied. At least I was spending it on something that I love. Almost 90% of my money went to food. It was delicious, the experience was amazing but after done eating, that was it. The end. No more continuation after. Not much memory, unless if you took a picture of it of course. 

My priority list of spending money is like this :

Top priority and lust : Comic. Do I even have to explain this?

Second : Food. All kinds of food. Cakes, biscuits, rice. Everything. I love them all. I’ve spend hundreds on a single tab. Never regret it once.

Third : magazines. Almost 90% of the mags in my home is bought by me.

Forth : Shoes.

oh yes this is what i bought at The Big Bad Wolf Book Sale.

And this is what i bought from Fixi Online Store, except for JERAT.

 

Haish entah bila nak habis baca semua ni. I got tons of work to do including final year project proposal, with surveying and please don't forget other subjects need my attention too. I'm already in the verge of death. Kill me now. 

p/s : the title has nothing to do with my post here. Saja.

p/p/s : walaupun beli banyak gila buku tapi book wish list kat tepi blog ni masih tidak dapat dipenuhi. ada sesiapa yang baik hati mahu hadiahkan?