draft

aku draft kan "i feel vulnerable". somehow,on the second thought,it was kindda personal for me to say it out loud about how i feel. aku tak meminta simpati. aku hanya ingin meluahkan. dan,mungkin sedikit harapan yang dia akan membaca,walau aku tahu dia takkan membacanya. tapi,tu la. ever since aku start blogging,aku rasa yang aku banyak meluahkan sesuatu yang aku rasa tak patut. maybe i felt that i should expressed it anyway.

im much more of an introvert than extrovert. although in a test i took tells me differently. aku senang memberikan pendapat aku,memberikan pandangan aku tentang sesuatu perkara, tp mostly bila berbual,aku lebih kepada mendengar dari bercerita. aku mempunyai ramai kawan. tp aku tak tau siapa yang patut aku berkongsi. siapa yang patut aku bebankan dengan masalah aku. so,in the end,aku diam. mungkin aku juga lebih suka untuk membisu. mungkin aku lebih suka menanggung sendiri. mungkin.

i feel vulnerable..

One of the things that keep me up waking in a middle of the night is thinking,what am i supposed to do? i couldnt stop thinking bout it. a lot has happened lately,and one thing for sure,i know you are not here.

For many reasons in the world,i think you are the only person i could trust. You are the only person i could ever be honest with. I can share my lil secrets with you,i can share my toughts with you. And when you were first gone,i think i could handle it. i think i was strong enough to survive. I got my friends, i got your family behind my back,its just that i didnt sure i got my family behind mine. now you are gone,things were different. I have a hard time sleeping. I could find myself in a middle of the nights, just thinking about what to do, and not knowing who to share with is sure a pain in the ass. But i sure,i could handle it. right? I supposed to be strong.

And so many nights i find myself wanted to cry. i tried to stop it,but somehow it couldnt stop flowing. I found myself trying to keep it from falling apart,but it was so hard. I dont know what to do. Tears is the only way i could think of. My body felt numb. Am i weak?

Life is sure hard when you dont know what coming for you. And this morning,some one who i’ve known for many years now,telling me that i was hard to figure out,so as to say. Am i that mysterious for you? or the fact that i dont know how to spill my true feeling for my own friend makes them feels that way. I know that its not a big deal,but somehow it got me thinking about how i’ve acted lately. I was worse than ever. I blank at my classes,i didnt do my homework,i couldnt figure out what the hell that teachers was talking, and i really feel like im an idiot. I’m a mess. Or let me correct it. i’m a mess without you.

This few weeks,i’ve been thinking a lot. Not a bout how i should stop you from going away,but about my own future. My academic assistant told me that life about putting love in what you do,not doing something you love. How true could it be? Putting love in something i do is something i really should consider because right now,i dont know what the hell am i doing. I suck at class. I know that you think it isnt necessarily true but its what i think. I tried to find love so that i could put it somewhere it belong but guess what? It rans away when you were gone.

You know something? I always dreams that when i was a little,i wanted to do something that i love. Something that i have no regret whatsoever. I wanted to do something that is fun for me,even though it doesnt necessarily fun for others to see. I wanted to be involve in what i do,not just doing for the sake of getting an A. I imagine of having a smile while i was doing my work. Although it was tough,but hey,at least i enjoyed every single moment of it.

I am quite a confident girl. Not a lady yet i think. But mostly,a teen. And i would like to see my dreams come true. Nobody doesnt,does they? But somehow,having my confidence ripped off me kindda make me feel weak. And i hate being weak. I hate it so much that i pretend to be strong. But what i really need is you. i just need someone to hear my thoughts,someone i could share my feelings with. I really think that person is you.

gosh,so much happened i couldnt even spill it out. Things might be gets a lil awkward when you get back,but for now,please remember me in every steps of the way. Cause i do.

twitter

asal xramai main twitter huh?

sakitnye cinta ye??

Love? Love is totally many hurtful things wasnt it? Akhir-akhir ni ramai sangat kawan aku yang percintaan diorg putus tgh jalan. Sakit,memang sakit kan? Sakit sangat bile tengah malam kite terfikir sal dia, sakit bila kenangan die semua nya macam flashback kat dalam memori ni. Tp entahla. Bagi aku semua tu depends. Depends kat diri kita macam mana nak corakkan cinta kita. Everything depends kat diri sendiri. Aku tak la pro dalam berbicara soal hati dan perasaan ni,tapi kawan aku penah cakap yang aku good listener and good observer. Maybe aku senang tok luahkan perasaan dan pendapat aku pada orang len. Jadi,at the end,aku end up jadi tempat luahan hati. Aku serious tak kesah. Bagi aku yang pernah teringin tok mendalami ilmu pyscology ni,aku amek sume tu tok jadi ilmu. But one thing yang aku belajar dari kawan-kawan aku ni, that is

"love is to let go".

Seriously. Nampak macam simple,tapi impaknya sangat maksima. Kalo kau betulla cintakan seseorang itu,ko kena lepaskan die pergi. Cinta takkan jadi kalo hanya bertepuk sebelah tangan. Kalo itu yang die nak,dan kalo ko betul2 sayangkan dia,maka lepaskan die pergi. Most of my friends probs, they cant let go yet. Tak boleh nk lepas. Tak boleh nk lupa. Tak boleh nk hilang. Tak boleh. Tak boleh. Tak boleh. Thats it. Tu je ayat yg asyik diorg cakap. Susah la yan. Its hard. Tapi kenala usaha. Takkan xley sampai bila-bila. Takkan nk hidup dalam fantasi sampai ke tua? This is not a drama. This is reality. Live with it. Life never be nice to you. You just have to be strong. (sorry grammar cam siot.) Memang,memang aku cakap senang. Tapi kadang-kadang,korg yg mintak pendapat aku. Korang mengadu kat aku. Abes tu,xkan aku nk cakap, its ok dear. Sabar yek? No! Aku takkan cakap camtu. Kalo korunk rasa sedih,ok, menangis. Menangis sekuat hati. Selama mungkin. Menangisla,kalo itu dapat legakan hati ko. tp once ko dah berhenti menangis,jangan menangis lagi. Janji dgn aku. Tu je. Aku just nk janji. kalo ko xdapat nk get over her/him,ok. Fine. Chase her. Kejar die. Tackle hati die macam mane ko tackle die dulu. But once die tolak,ko kena berhenti. Be a true man/woman. Janji dgn aku. Tu je. bile ko dah janji,its one step towards changing. at least ko ada la gak nk brubah. ok la tu. janji ko ada niat.

Jangan hidup dalam kenangan. Sakit. Korunk xsakit ke? Berbulan-bulan makan hati,xsakit ke? Dia dah gembira,makan nasi,korunk makan hati. Aku geram kekadang kawan-kawan dan sahabat handai ni. Aku cakap,jangan. Tapi still degil nk jugak. Ikutkan sangat kata hati tu. Nape? Best sangat ke makan hati? Dia dah berubah. Yes,dulu dia sayang sangat kat ko. sayang gile bangang sampai nyamuk sentuh ko pun die xbagi. Tp tu dulu. Hati manusia kan boley berubah. Sabarla sayang. Terima hakikat ni.boleh?

Ye,aku tau,cakap memang senang. Sampai ada kata “ko xrasa lagi yan. Ce kalo ko clash dgn yus.” Ouch. Aku faham. Aku pun akan jadi mende yang sama kalo aku clash dgn yus. Aku tau susah. Tapi kena la cuba. Kalo dah 2,3 bulan meraung merana,buat pe? Kalo seminggu dua,ok tahan lagi. Sebulan,aku ley accept la. Ni dah berapa lama makan hati? Ko sendri ley kire kan? Aku cakap ni,coz aku concern. Aku sayang g kat kawan2 aku. Bila kawan aku makan hati,darah dari hati die tu terpalit la kat aku gak. Thats why aku mara sangat ni. kalo aku mara,tanda aku sayang. bile aku dah start ignore,sayang tu dah xde. Faham? lagipun,xkan aku nk biar ko makan hati 2,3 tahun kowt? Come on. Bangun. Wake up ok? Jgn terus tido. Xkan xley idup kowt? Ok kawan?

Kepada sesiapa yang terasa,harap maaf ujung kaki sampai ujung rambut. Xkan nk tunggu raya depan. Kena mintak maaf skunk gak. Hehe. Dan ini untuk umum ok. Xde specific tok spe2. Sekian aku membebel.

cooking.

i just having fun cooking my dad's dinner just now. to tell you the truth,i never saw abah cooks anywhere. but still,hari ni mak kat kampung. well,its too obvious she was having fun being there since she got so fed up with all the works at home. but abah gotta work today and yesterday,so i went home with him.

honestly,i was hopeless in cooking. seriously. aku ada lah anak yg paling bongsu kat umah ni,so aku quite lazy to do cooking stuff. sangat2 tak pandai. so,semalam,abah berbuka dengan hidangan dari kak nona. coz i went out with my frens from kmk. seb bek kak nona ada. today,i thought dad was gonna eat out,so i was relaxing in front of this damn comp that got me addicted. tbe2 lak abah kuarkan bawang and kacang pnjg from freezer. aik,xkan abah nk masak kowt? ah sudah. dengan xrela hati aku turun dan tolong abah. haha. dalam hati ngomel gak ah,npe la abah xmakan luar je... see,how lazy i am when i got back? but aku still help abah la.

its weird you see, when 2 hopelessly, clueeless people trying to cook. so funny. i tried recall how moms cook,but i dont think i can remember. (cz i was such a lazy butt!) but still,kitorg dapat gak buat daging masak black pepper kicap dgn sayur goreng. haha abah keeps saying "ape la rasa masakan adek ni..", and "mak mesti gelak kalo dapat tau ni.." eh abah,jangan la gtau mak. kompom mak cite kat makcik2 di kmpg sana. malu la saya.

so safwa,after all the hard work my dad and me put,i still find cooking isnt as interesting as u thought. i still prefer watching other people cook in their all-perfect kitchen,and their perfectly square-cutting-potatoes and dream of making the exact same kitchen one day. cooking is such a hard work. trust me,i know. but,i admit it, hasilnye mesti seronok. sebab memasak ni sama (lebey kurangla~) dgn men piano. haha now this is funny. mula,mmg kena belajar macam mana nak men piano. bile dah expert,kita dah boleh bermain sendiri,tanpa bantuan notes. kan? so,hows you guys experience in cooking?

bored.

aku terasa macam nk wat tagged. coz bosan kan. haha

THE BASICS

And your name is?
azyan azilah bt halimi

How many years are you?
19

Girl or Boy?
i'm a perfectly healthy teenage girl.

The height from your head to your feet?
xtau la. dah kire tp xingat.

What is your heritage?

my comic books.

Whats your zodiac sign?
aries,coz i was born in april 3rd.

Shoe size?
7. aku bukan kaki sampan.

Pants size?
29.

Where were you born?
atas katil

What hospital?
hbkl.

LOVE LIFE

Are you in a relationship?
of course.

Ever been dumped?
thats a very sensitive q.

Do you believe in true love?
ya

What is love?
if you love someone,u'll let him/her go.

Do you love anyone?
yes

Which of your exs are you still friends with?
i got only one ex,and he's still a friend of mine

Would you get back with any of your exs?
no.

Did your exs do drugs or drink?
not to both.

Who are you dating now? (If anyone)
muhammad fairus bin basril

How long have you been dating?
please check the next box ---->

LASTS

Who was your last kiss?
asadullah.

Who did you last hug?
dijah

Who did you last yell at?
kat nabilah. (this all happens when i'm at benta)

Who did you last tell I love you too?
him,of course.

Who was the last one to tell you they loved you?
him also. and that was a few days before.

What was the last thing you said?
"tlg belikan adek prepaid topup!"

When did you last take a shower?
not yet. heh~

Who did you last think about?
hurm,i cant recall.

REGULAR RANDOM QUESTIONS

What shirt are you wearing?
baju ijau. just for at home.

Are you listening to music?
no.

Do you like lead pencils or mechanical pencils?
lead i think. coz lagi sonok tok conteng.

Do you prefer desktop computers or laptops?
laptop. but i never had one. i'm using my sister's.

Do you think you could live without a cell phone?
no. hehe

Do you exercise?
sumtimes. aku skunk baru nk belajar berenang. nk kurus beb!

Are you street smart?
you could say that.

What is/was your favorite class in school?
pyschology,but i never had one.

What do you plan on doing in the next year?
belajar lagi la sayang.

Do you want to get married?
yes. fast. hahaha

Where do you want to be proposed?
anywhere,but he gotta think of something romantic.

Want kids? If so..How many?
yes. 4 kowt. just like my family.

Where would you like to raise a family??
i'm not sure yet.

Who do you love?
family,him,and friends.

How often are you on the computer?
i'm like addicted to it.

Have you mooned or flashed anyone?
no la~ crazy what?

What was your favorite camping experience?
too many. can't remmber lorh.

Do you laugh at just about anything?
yes and no. i was like,having the other side of me you know.

If you could have one super power, what would it be?

i can remember anything that i saw/read even in a split second. that way i could score.

FINISH IT
I want to:
have my own car.

I should be:

a girl that my mom proud of. but i dont.

I wonder:
why i'm not like other people?

Do you think:
people just dont know the real me.

Nobody knows that:
i not as good as they think.

selamat jugak

salam. well,sebab sume blog yg aku folow (almost all la),semua pun wat ucapan selamat hari raya kat blog diorg,so aku pun nk way gak ah. jadi,

SELAMAT HARI RAYA,MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN.

kepada,sesiapa yg kenal diri aku ni,aku nk mintak maaf banyak2. well,mulut aku kan straight to the point ckit. dan thanz pada sesiapa yg bagi sms kat aku. aku maleh nk reply,so aku copy paste je blk ucapan aku. hehe

aku akan pulang hari ni,so sape2 yg nk jmpt aku ke rumah mereka,cakap tau. aku free je. dan dak2 smksp yg nk wat reunion tu,kite bncg blk ah cane. nk dtg umah aku pun ok. mak aku kat kmpg. aku la yg masak. kalo keracunan,aku mintak maaf awal2. nnt aku beli pil chit ke ti aun (aku xtau spellg die).

ada pape g? owh ya. kalo aku ada hutang tp lpe nk baya,bek korunk mintak cpt. sebab kalo dah pas raya,hutang kena potong half. haha

neway,aku dalam proses tgh cari umah sewa kat area shah alam. coz sem 2 nanti,kompom2 aku xley tinggal mawar dah. mesti kena kick nye. spe yg ada contact? kalo ley nk umah sebijik la. xmo share2. kalo de,sila bagi mesej kat aku yerk? xpun,coment je kat cni. t aku contact blk.

aku rasa tu je la kowt. oleh sebab sume pun letak gamba family diorg,maka aku pun nk letak gak.

dari kiri belakang : abg,de,angah,atam,bangcik.
dari kiri depan : mak,akak,wan,atok,me!,abah.

things that i wish i knew when i was 17...?

clearly,after reading some magenta point here,aku rasa macam dia btol2 dah wat aku tersentak. yes,what she said is right. aku skunk tgh tol2 dalam dilemma. yes,aku cakap terus-terang,aku mmg xsuka dengan apa yang aku belajar sekarang. i mean,its not like i hate it,but clearly i didnt love it,i just dont dislike. (sorry magenta,pinjam words kamu.) aku faham pe yang aku belajar dalam kelas,tapi camne aku nk cakap yerk. aku xrasa keseronokan tu.

aku faham,ada yang kata aku ni bodoh,tuhan dah bagi peluang tok belajar tu,belajar je la kan. some of my friends even said that maybe ni kehendak tuhan. tuhan lagi tau pe yang bagus untuk kita. but still,aku rasa cam xde,cam ne nak cakap huh,erm.. xde sparkle. korunk faham kan sparkle? ok aku bagi satu example la. macam masa korunk hangat bercinta,dan perasaan seronok tu banyak dah membuak,dan terasa macam ada bunga2 cinta (or whatever that you called it) kat setiap hari korunk. dan bile dah lama2 bercinta,korunk dah rasa jemu. dah rasa bosan. dah hilang sparkle tu. faham x?

macam tu la bila aku maksudkan dengan belajar tapi xde sparkle. learning is (or supposed to be) like falling in love itself. kena ada perasaan seronok tok belajar. kena ada perasaan excited tok memahami pe yg kite belajar. maybe kat sekolah dulu xla terasa nk macam ni kan,but supposed that aku dah kat u skunk,that aku sepatutnya mendalami pe yang aku minat coz kat u,kita belajar lebih terperinci tentang sesuatu perkara, rite? dan bila apa yang kita dapat tu xsehati sejiwa dengan apa yang kita minat,maka perasaan tu macam hilang la. belajar kerana terpaksa. and at the end, kita akan rasa nyesal, coz you’ve wasted most of your life doing something you hate (maaf magenta,pinjam lagi words kamu.)

the only thing that i hate in life is regret. aku xsuka berasa menyesal. aku akui,banyak perkara yang aku wat salah. tapi,aku xrasa menyesal. aku wat banyak sangat perkara jahat kat skool dulu,sampai semua dok basuh aku ramai2 dalam bulatan kat pangkor dulu. (still remember la weyh!) tapi,one thing is,aku xnyesal. yela,dulu kena la wat nyesal coz wt mende jahat kan? tapi aku rasa its one of my experience kat skool yang aku xkan lpe sampai bila2. ok,skunk aku rasa aku dah melalut dah ni. neway,aku xnk nanti aku akan menyesal. nyesal napa aku xikut kata hati. nyesal napa aku xcuba kejar cita2 aku sendiri. that's my whole point here. aku nak pastikan yang idup aku xpenuh dengan penyesalan. biarlah apa pun yang orang kata,janji aku puas. aku nak belajar sesuatu yang buat aku rasa,bestnye. even its just a simple stuff,janji aku puas. sound simple,but possible ke? mesti ada gak sumthing yang xkena dan xbetol kan?

either way,aku still lagi confius dengan sume ni. n of coz,my mom xkesah dengan pe je keputusan aku. asalkan,aku belajar. entahla. aku cukup pening. ada gak kawan aku yang mengalami dilemma yg sama. hurm. pening pening.